Ahhhh.... Spring sunshine mixed with a little rain. Making candles for the church. Baking peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies. Playing with the "kids." What a fabulous way to spend a Saturday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Ahhhhhhhh.....

The sun is out.

It feels like a breath of fresh air after being sucked to the bottom of the ocean.

It's a day full of beautiful possibilities. Hmm...I think I'll work in the yard. It's time to start thinking of the garden. And green grass. And hiking. Ooooh, and back country camping. ~sigh~ I can't wait!

Boot camp and running again feel wonderful!!

Happy Spring kids. It feels good doesn't it?

I feel such profound guilt over her death. At times it still feels unbearable.

I hate death.

I want to rail against death.

It's not fair. The people who care and love get no say in death.

Death decides the time has come or takes a detour along his journey and life is lost.

It's not fair. I am so angry. So sad. I want to scream at death. I want to hit death. I want to demand that the life I loved be returned to me. I want it back. I want her back.

I want her back, damnit!!!

I still miss her so bad sometimes that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.

It's not fair.

It's been almost a year.

January 31st.

I'm starting to feel it.

If you are looking for me I'll be over here...

Os told me I had to update my blog but just to spite him I'm not going to.

;)




(love you Os)

Weeeellll...

The summer hasn't started quite like I planned. Four days into the Sperry season I slipped on snow and rocks and broke my right wrist. Now I'm down the mountain in a very uncomfortable cast waiting for a follow-up dr. appointment on the 13th. Hopefully he will put a different cast on and I can go back to work on the 14th.

This whole thing has been sooo frustrating and I just want this off so I can have use of my right hand again.

Did I mention that I'm right-handed?

Gaaaaaaaaaaaa!

It was brought to my attention over beer the other night that I haven't posted anything to the blog in a while. Os even knew the date when I last posted - I didn't even know that. Hmmm Os, stalker much? ;)

Sorry for being so neglecting of my faithful readers, all four of you but I haven't had much to write about as of late and for the most part have been making brief updates to Facebook.

Anywho, I have cleaned and moved out of the great apartment I had with the WONDERFUL closet space (I had a closet specifically just for shoes - a girl's dream) and the cute balcony with the squirrel that used to come by and visit. I have 90% of my "stuff" in storage and my Sperry bags packed with a few minor exceptions of small things that need to go in last minute.

The time is rapidly approaching and then I really will be out of touch for the summer. All Crystal Lite care packages should be sent to Sperry Chalet ;)

Today I have plans for a short hike, then I will be spending the next two days with Os and his family attending the viewing, mass and funeral (if you don't know what I'm talking about jump over to Os' blog).

Will try to update at least once more before I go. Have a fabulous summer kiddies, I know I will and will be sure to post a ton of photos when I come out of the back country.

I had a dream about my dad this morning and woke up in tears.

We were dancing and in the dream I had my feet on his like little girls do.

Suddenly he just stopped and walked away and my mom appeared and said "I never could figure out why he didn't make time for you."

Sad.

It's Official

I got the job. I'm leaving the end of June to go work for the summer at Sperry Chalet.

I can't tell you how excited I am. Yes, it's completely hike in. Yes, it's totally remote with no cell phone, no Internet. Yes, it's surrounded by mountains and glaciers that I love and yes!!! There are no cell phones or Internet.

Did I mention that I'm excited as the day is long?

I have wanted to do this for years and everything just kind of fell into place this year. It's such a great opportunity for some serious exposure to the backcountry of Glacier. I will be working every day of the 11 week season but there is still time to hike during the day, at least a little. That is one of my goals this summer, to hike EVERY day. Other goals include being a hard worker and a good example, with a positive attitude and sunny smile but hiking every day!?! Can you believe it???

Eeeee gaaaaaads!!!

I'm in heaven!

Aww blog, I haven't meant to neglect you. You know how life just gets in the way sometimes. And then there are the nights when you're so mentally tired from the day you just don't want to do anything but veg.

Plus I've been getting up at 5:15 every day to get to the gym. It makes for an early bed time.

A possible opportunity is coming my way this summer that I'm extremely excited about. I'll update when I know more about that subject. Remember, the brave may not live forever...

The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.

Couple of things....

Happy Birthday MJ!

---

A week after my dad died my friend DWG's mother passed away. We haven't spoken much since those two events, couple of messages back and forth etc.

I guess I haven't felt much like being the social butterfly. I would imagine that he feels the same. Anywho, DWG, if you are reading this know that I am thinking about you and am here whenever you need me.

---

I don't want to sound like a broken record but you hear people say after the loss of a loved one that they would want just one more minute, one more day. It's true. What I wouldn't give for one more minute to look into my dads eyes and tell him that I love him and for him to know that its true and sincere. I miss him!

New diggs

As you may have noticed things have changed a bit here at the Smoking Redhead Club. (freakin' HaloScan)

It turns out that HaloScan (grrrr) decided to shut down, forcing me to export all of my comments.

Once that was done I found out that Blogger & HaloScan (*&$%#) don't currently have a system to inport all comments back to Blogger plus my old HTML had stripped all of the old Blogger code.

It turns out that it was easier to just go with the redesign than try to put all the code back into my current template.

Now I wait with all my exported comment files for Blogger to implement a tool to inport comments.

I'm sorry that I've lost all of your old comments for the moment but feel free to leave new ones ;)

Edit: Ya know, I think I really like the redesign. Its growing on me. I find it a lot more cheerful and serene than the other and I kind of need that right now.

I find it strange that my life just goes on as it always has. Its been 2 weeks since dad passed away and it doesn't yet seem possible that the man who raised me isn't still sitting in his chair, waiting for me to call.

My dad wasn't perfect but I always knew that if I needed him for anything he would be there. He would drive across country to pick me up if necessary, anything for his little girl.

The sadness washes over me in gentle waves at random times. Out of the blue a memory will pop into my head, mostly of his last days. Sometimes just the realization that he's gone will drive by and wave.

I miss him! I miss the knowledge that he was there. It seems like we sat in his hospital room for days, watching the progression that seemed so subtle to us all but seemed so rapid to the doctors and nurses. Then at that final moment it was over so quickly. Too quickly. One last breath and that was it. I just wish I had a little more time ya know?

“Prohibition cannot be enforced for the simple reason that the majority of American People do not want it enforced and are resiting its enforcement! That means so, the orderly thing to do, under our form of government, is to abolish a law which cannot be enforced. A law in which the people of the country do not want enforced!”

-Fiorello La Guardia (former Mayor of New York) 1937.

I've discovered that I like Facebook better since it lets me control who sees what. Nice!